I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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