Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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