They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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