tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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