On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
