You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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