dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
