I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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