im drinking this country out of the recession.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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