i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
