I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
