I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
