Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
