If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
