matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
