I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
