I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus