My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
