hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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