What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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