Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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