So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
