you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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