Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
