As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
