watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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