I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
