i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
