Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
