i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
