I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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