I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
