I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
