i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
