I can text with my tongue
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
