I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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