I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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