By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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