Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
