i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
