Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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