You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
