really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
