Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
