party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Why did my mother make you get naked?