Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
