My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
