i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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