I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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