i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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