I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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