The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
