There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
