i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
