I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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