Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
