Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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