I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
fuck your aforementioned shoe
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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