I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i will never coherently bang her
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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