My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
