I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
