I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
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sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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