the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
