i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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