So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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