Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
