I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
