Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
