at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
