Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
